Saturday, 18 November 2017

Capability

The truth is you're going to die. Hole in the ground, ashes in a jar. Whatever you wanna call it. 
We are put here, like confused sheep.

Maybe your purpose is to be a writer. Maybe you were born to be a mother. 
I believe my purpose was to notice. To fall in love with objects, laced with memories. 
And I notice everything. 

How wearing a purple amethyst necklace suddenly makes me feel like positive thoughts are seeping into my bloodstream. How my pink pepper spray key ring is so much more convenient to find my keys. + it’s bad-ass. New York is different to how anyone described. I needed different trips to get to know her. She doesn't feel like an it, but a screaming infant, a bossy mother, a friend who I've fallen for. 

And the truth is, my joy is in the most complacently basic things. When my skin is acne free, and moisturiser is applied. When I know there's milk and cookies waiting for me at home. & I'll sit on the floor, watching friends, Only eating the white bits of the Oreos. Joy rolls out of my head at the idea of a day with my books, and solace.  A hot chocolate, chicken soup, smoothie bowl, for whatever season/temperature it is.

I like sharks. Something about them fascinates me. Their intense brutality, loyalty to their babies, and how they demand their presence to be felt. Sharks don't overthink. Sharks don't wonder if their mother is proud of them. 

People go on about how you don't know much until you're older. How garish! 
If anything, adults only become meeker. More mundane. God I love those M words. 

Somebody completely changed my perspective on life the other day. They said to me, try focusing on short term, achievable goals. You are more than capable.  

Life, in all plain and simple terms is too short for fuck arounds. For yearning. Spending days wishing things could be different. In all my 19 years, I have never once regretted how something turned out. Maybe in the moment I wished it could be different, but ultimately, it happened to make me who I am. 

All I'm saying is that, life isn't always this bigger picture. I've seen off into the sunny distance, when sitting on my dad's boat, fast pace, thoughts spinning. On the subway, lulled. 
But in reality, life is just a fucking large collections of moments. Moments so wondrous, they take your breath and shove it through your toes (maybe breaking a few bones along the way).