Saturday, 18 November 2017


The truth is you're going to die. Hole in the ground, ashes in a jar. Whatever you wanna call it. 
We are put here, like confused sheep.

Maybe your purpose is to be a writer. Maybe you were born to be a mother. 
I believe my purpose was to notice. To fall in love with objects, laced with memories. 
And I notice everything. 

How wearing a purple amethyst necklace suddenly makes me feel like positive thoughts are seeping into my bloodstream. How my pink pepper spray key ring is so much more convenient to find my keys. + it’s bad-ass. New York is different to how anyone described. I needed different trips to get to know her. She doesn't feel like an it, but a screaming infant, a bossy mother, a friend who I've fallen for. 

And the truth is, my joy is in the most complacently basic things. When my skin is acne free, and moisturiser is applied. When I know there's milk and cookies waiting for me at home. & I'll sit on the floor, watching friends, Only eating the white bits of the Oreos. Joy rolls out of my head at the idea of a day with my books, and solace.  A hot chocolate, chicken soup, smoothie bowl, for whatever season/temperature it is.

I like sharks. Something about them fascinates me. Their intense brutality, loyalty to their babies, and how they demand their presence to be felt. Sharks don't overthink. Sharks don't wonder if their mother is proud of them. 

People go on about how you don't know much until you're older. How garish! 
If anything, adults only become meeker. More mundane. God I love those M words. 

Somebody completely changed my perspective on life the other day. They said to me, try focusing on short term, achievable goals. You are more than capable.  

Life, in all plain and simple terms is too short for fuck arounds. For yearning. Spending days wishing things could be different. In all my 19 years, I have never once regretted how something turned out. Maybe in the moment I wished it could be different, but ultimately, it happened to make me who I am. 

All I'm saying is that, life isn't always this bigger picture. I've seen off into the sunny distance, when sitting on my dad's boat, fast pace, thoughts spinning. On the subway, lulled. 
But in reality, life is just a fucking large collections of moments. Moments so wondrous, they take your breath and shove it through your toes (maybe breaking a few bones along the way).

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

The Rut

I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy writing this book. Hope everyone's well!

I wanted to sit down and write a blog post, because although its sunny outside, its rather freezing.
Sitting down with my chamomile tea, I'm going to reflect. (That's all I ever do, inside my brain.)
This year, I moved from New Zealand, to Los Angeles, to New York.

I was in a rut in Los Angeles. I was sitting on my awful green ikea couch for weeks at a time, not knowing what to do with myself. Goals had not been met and I was shut in my house believing that I was a failure.  I was thinking very existential thoughts. Days were bleeding into one another. Leading into weeks, then months.  If there had been someone to say to me, get up, youth is fleeting, that would have been great. But there wasn't and I don't want to think I regretted any of those months pining for something that I easily could have achieved myself. Regret is a waste of time. Things happen and I wouldn't change anything.

Being in a rut is hard. NO matter how old you are, we all get into them. I don't know about you, but when I don't believe in myself, it's bad. I essentially shut down. Writing was the only thing that I believed I was good at, and even that was becoming spoilt, so I did the one thing I could think of and went to New York. I am very lucky because a lot of people don't have that luxury.

New York was a HUGE shock to my system. I was seeing colours that I hadn't seen in months. The air was cleaner (weirdly enough). People move so fast, that I was forced to. I got a job, found friends my own age. Got a little bit of a reality check - whilst its important to achieve goals and hustle, it is still important to be a kid, before its too late.

The strange thing is that I'm the one who puts a lot of pressure on myself. I hate being stagnant. When I'm stagnant, I get lazy. I just sleep and stay inside, in the dark. I don't do much to actually live. It's a very dangerous thing. And I become full of dread. That I'm not doing enough to accomplish my goals, that I'm wasting my time.

If you think about it, what is wasting time? Sitting in bed on a sunday morning, watching your favourite tv show, and then strolling to your favourite cafe to write a journal entry? Is that wasting time? Going to sleep at 4am because you spent the night roaming NYC with your beautiful teen friends? Is that a waste of time? No. There is a difference between sitting in the dark, wishing things were different versus going out and living. Taking time for yourself, whilst getting hungry for your passions and career. It is all about learning about how to balance your time. Doing anything you can to achieve your goals is one thing, but you still have to enjoy yourself in the process. Life is hard enough, you shouldn't always have to be struggling. You deserve to enjoy life.

And I realised. Time is mine. I get to choose what I do with it. And I became rich. I'm a huge control freak so I did battle a little bit about letting myself just live. But the uncertainty of how my life would pan out floated away. I realised, I didn't need to know that. I needed to stop planning so much, because otherwise it got to the point that I didn't want to get out of bed because my day was so full, with nothing in particular.

And I'm still learning, but I'm starting to be a lot more selfish with my time. I don't say yes to doing things I don't want to do. If I don't want to be friends with someone toxic, I don't. This is all easier said than done, but something jolted me in New York. Everyone here is so blatant. So vocal about what they want. It was like the city was speaking to me, and handing me a pair of glasses, and telling me to get up off my ass and live. To be hungry for the things I wanted.

Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and say, this is my life. How I'm living won't be forever.
I don't know how the future will pan out. But I want to set myself up so that it will be as smooth as I can make it. So that I don't think I could have done more. I stopped punishing myself for being young and uncertain, and slowed down.

It was daunting. And I did it. And I grasped my life by its hind legs and said, stop running. Slow down. Look at how intricately the decorations on buildings are carved. Look at the leaves. Look at the families walking by. Breathe. Stop running around like a headless chicken.

Sit in the park for a little while longer.

Wednesday, 12 July 2017


So, I have one HUGE  spotify playlist of 700 songs or so, and I always find myself listening to the bottom 40 songs until I add more. Each song in this playlist represents a moment in my life, this and last month. Do you know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time and a memory comes flooding back to you? Well it's like that for me, x47.

So here are my songs of July.

  1. Wild Thoughts - DJ Khalid ft. Rihanna
  2. Young Dumb & Broke - Khalid
  3. May I Have This Dance (Remix) ft. Chance the Rapper
  4. Hey Ma - Cam'Ron
  5. Sober II (Melodrama) - Lorde
  6. Another Sad Love Song - Khalid
  7. Feels - Calvin Harris
  8. God - Kendrick Lamar
  9. Blood Sweat & Tears - BTS
  10. God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
  11.  Late Night - Goldlink
  12. 5AM - Amber Run
  13. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead
  14. Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
  15. Close To You - Rihanna
  16. Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae
  17. Cranes in the Sky - Solange
  18. There She Goes - The La's
  19. 3AM - Charli XCX ft. MO
  20. Swang - Rae Sremmurd
  21. Praying - Kesha
  22. Slow Hands - Niall Horan
  23. Liability (Reprise) - Lorde
  24. Loving Someone - The 1975
  25. Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa - Vampire Weekend
  26. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
  27. Thunder - Imagine Dragons
  28. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
  29. Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
  30. I like Me Better - Lauv
  31. There She Go - Garren Sean
  32. The Morning - The Weeknd
  33. Re: Stacks - Bon Iver
  34. Burn - Usher
  35. Bloom - The Paper Kites
  36. Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
  37. Swimming Pools (Drank) - Kendrick Lamar
  38. Home - Michael Buble
  39. Father And Son - Yusuf / Cat Stevens
  40. King City - Majid Jordan
  41. Redemption - Drake
  42. Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) - Lady Gaga
  43. 715, Creeks - Bon Iver
  44. Perfect Places - Lorde
  45. Unforgettable - French Montana
  46. Sparks - Coldplay
  47. Malibu - Miley Cyrus
link -


Saturday, 8 July 2017

Moving to Los Angeles at 18

I never thought I could look back on my life and say that I moved out at 18. Freshly graduated and eager to pursue multiple passions, I packed up everything into one suitcase (kind of pulling an international Carrie Bradshaw) and moved to Los Angeles.  Fast forward five months, and here we are. I'm 19 in November, and in these five months, I've learnt more about myself than I ever thought I could.

This year has been interesting to say the least. From moving all the way across the world to an empty apartment, dealing with the death of someone I loved and learning how to be an adult, to Coachella, New York, and my secret projects; it has been a big year for me. I remember being at home and being this fumbling, expressing almost-woman who needed to let herself free.

The hardest part of moving to LA initially, was the crippling loneliness. I remember my first few months here and I didn't really know anyone. Aside from a few internet friends, a cousin or two and a photographer friend, I didn't have anyone. I used to sit on my balcony at night, and watch the blue hazy sky turn to black, and wished that people would care. For somebody to just reach out and ask to get lunch. To feel that sunshine of inclusion. When you're alone with your thoughts for weeks, you really start to learn about yourself. What you are really like when you are alone, the most scary thoughts you have, and most importantly who you are. Months on, meeting people became a natural thing. I met some of the best people in my life, with the exception of people I had collected back home.

I just remember my heart bleeding for New Zealand and the familiarity of it all. Something that stuck with me, was when my lovely friend said to immerse myself in the uncertainty of it all. In life, people carve out their own paths, and figure out a routine that works for them. After 13 years of schooling, and having to ask when to go to the bathroom, I was ready to figure out myself and my life.

There are certain things you don't even put into play when you move out. Coming home to an empty fridge was the weirdest thing for me. Learning how to separate colours when I was down to my last clean t-shirt. Realising that bills and rent don't pay themselves, and that you have to put down a deposit for EVERYTHING. Phone bills, the apartment, gas bills, blah blah blah. And that, if you're living in America - you NEED a social security number...

Los Angeles is a big place to be. I walk down Melrose on a Sunday morning to take a visit to the Trading Post and I see expression. In LA, people are not afraid. To say what they want, wear what they want, pursue what they want. People take things seriously that they don't seem to as much where I am from. This city is bustling with singers, actors, dancers, models and everything else in between. Letting my creative spirit have the chance to be here and pursue my dreams was the best thing that I could have done.

In high school, I thought that I had to have life figured out. That I needed to go to university straight away, get a good job and make a shit ton of money. But then I realised there is a fine line between what you want and what other people want. The long of the short, is that life is too short to do the shit that you don't want. Whether that be becoming a doctor because your parents want you to, or moving across the country for a boyfriend (please never do that when you are under 25) or never pursuing a dream because you are fucking scared. Luckily I had the support of my family who believe in me. And there is no bigger blessing. But, if you don't have that unconditional support, remember to ask yourself, is this what I want? Is this what I want to spend my life doing? Or am I doing something to make somebody else happy?

When I look back to the girl I was in December of last year, I don't even know if I could recognise myself. I was in a toxic relationship and I was constantly seeking the approval of everybody around me. I didn't love myself.

When I moved, I stopped half-arsing plans. If I didn't reaally want to hang with that annoying person I met at a house party, I didn't. I stopped settling for shit. I stopped making excuses for toxic people.
It is engrained in my brain that I only have this one life. It took me a long time to say NO. I still have that problem, because I am a natural people pleaser. That doesn't mean that I became selfish or unkind, but just learnt to better my surroundings.

I know, that there will be many more life lessons. I will fall down countless times, fail and repeat. But taking this step for myself really taught me to take my life by the shoulders and decide to live it. At 18, knowing that I pay my rent each month and all my own bills, is a good feeling in itself. And the most important lesson I learnt was to stop being so harsh on myself. That I am a human being with a good heart, an extremely messy room and a love of writing, singing and acting.

There is beauty in not knowing what is going to happen. That life happens anyway. Time doesn't stop if you are in pain. But you are always learning things about yourself. That you never know what is going to happen next. Isn't that phenominal?

Yours truly,
Young, Dumb & Broke