Wednesday, 9 July 2014

I am | You are

Do you ever get that feeling? That feeling that hits you when you are alone, bare faced and quiet. Lying in your room, in the warmth of your bed and your heart suddenly lurches. It's like you are trying to find what you are looking for? But you don't know what it is? Or this overwhelming cloudy sad fog that suffocates your thoughts and makes it hard to breathe? That you have so much to deal with right now that no one will understand, so you have to put on a brave face and swallow the urge to scream?

People everywhere breeze past me when I am trying to do something right and they make it look so easy. What is right and wrong?

I am the sludgy feeling you have when you first wake up and rub your eyes, full of fresh sleep and haziness.
I am the bark that crunches between your toes with discomfort as you try and reach the playground without getting any sharp little bits between your toes.
I am the calluses on your palms when you are swinging on the monkey bars and your hands sting so much, you can barely cling to the bars.
I am that cold, sticky embrace when your jeans cling to your sodden body, fresh from getting out of the water.
I am that extra ray of sunlight that gets into your eyes that just want to shut out and shield.
I am the crumbs on your bed that keep you tossing and turning at night.
The rain that comes before a shower, just a light whisper that lets you know the weather will not be pleasant.
I am the insomnia of those sleepless nights, the harsh words that slipped off your tongue that took everything too far, that were never meant to be said.
I am the ulcer on the tip of your tongue & the scalding of too hot - hot chocolate on your tongue that left it burnt and sore.
I am those displeasing moments, those words never said but were desperately needed too.
I am many things, different comparisons. I am different each day; I have mood swings. I suck at small talk, as I want to talk about the many galaxies roaming about in my head. I falter in my step and a pang of insecurity shadows me.

But after my sulking days, those hated hours, times when I get something wrong I know someday I will be able to figure it out. I know that I will be able to be thankful for the things that I have, to value the life changing people to grace my life. I will be able to learn and to prosper and listen.

Now, I am talking to you. Not just myself. You are not a failure.
 I know that for me personally, I am eager to please and to help others, desperate to prove and justify myself. I do many things wrong, I give up and I don't always try again. But my heart is in the right place. Under everything I am, I want to try my best and do things right.

I know that under the huge spurs of the moments that get you in trouble, or whatever people say about you physically or mentally - you have a caring soul that reaches out to help others and you yearn to get things right and just to understand what this is all about. You need to breathe and understand that everything that is worth it, takes time. After a lot of struggle you are going to turn out fine and do well with your life.

I see and hear this everyday. People I know; my closest friends, strangers, girls and guys at school. Insecurity. Not feeling good enough. The real question is, who do you have to be good enough for?
You have to be good enough for yourself.

This is a bit of a text I sent to one of my best friends.

You realise that you are the only person that can make yourself feel better and get yourself into a better mindset. Your body is the house you grew up in, why try burn it to the ground? There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better about yourself. The way you see yourself is very different to how I see you. I guess you don't see how happy your prescence makes me, or when you wrote me that note and my heart literally fell onto that paper. You're you, you don't have to be amazing all the time. You are the only person that can make yourself feel better and comparing yourself to other people and thinking that you wish you were someone else; prettier, smarter, skinnier, taller, or whatever you feel is not going to help you. You can't change your body, it is just a case and a shell of your inner soul and I think that you're wonderful. who do you have to be? No one but you. And if someone rejects you, it's just their failure to see the things you have in looks and personality to offer. It's up to you.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Indy x

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