Saturday, 18 November 2017

Capability

The truth is you're going to die. Hole in the ground, ashes in a jar. Whatever you wanna call it. 
We are put here, like confused sheep.

Maybe your purpose is to be a writer. Maybe you were born to be a mother. 
I believe my purpose was to notice. To fall in love with objects, laced with memories. 
And I notice everything. 

How wearing a purple amethyst necklace suddenly makes me feel like positive thoughts are seeping into my bloodstream. How my pink pepper spray key ring is so much more convenient to find my keys. + it’s bad-ass. New York is different to how anyone described. I needed different trips to get to know her. She doesn't feel like an it, but a screaming infant, a bossy mother, a friend who I've fallen for. 

And the truth is, my joy is in the most complacently basic things. When my skin is acne free, and moisturiser is applied. When I know there's milk and cookies waiting for me at home. & I'll sit on the floor, watching friends, Only eating the white bits of the Oreos. Joy rolls out of my head at the idea of a day with my books, and solace.  A hot chocolate, chicken soup, smoothie bowl, for whatever season/temperature it is.

I like sharks. Something about them fascinates me. Their intense brutality, loyalty to their babies, and how they demand their presence to be felt. Sharks don't overthink. Sharks don't wonder if their mother is proud of them. 

People go on about how you don't know much until you're older. How garish! 
If anything, adults only become meeker. More mundane. God I love those M words. 

Somebody completely changed my perspective on life the other day. They said to me, try focusing on short term, achievable goals. You are more than capable.  

Life, in all plain and simple terms is too short for fuck arounds. For yearning. Spending days wishing things could be different. In all my 19 years, I have never once regretted how something turned out. Maybe in the moment I wished it could be different, but ultimately, it happened to make me who I am. 

All I'm saying is that, life isn't always this bigger picture. I've seen off into the sunny distance, when sitting on my dad's boat, fast pace, thoughts spinning. On the subway, lulled. 
But in reality, life is just a fucking large collections of moments. Moments so wondrous, they take your breath and shove it through your toes (maybe breaking a few bones along the way).







Tuesday, 17 October 2017

The Rut

Hello!
I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy writing this book. Hope everyone's well!

I wanted to sit down and write a blog post, because although its sunny outside, its rather freezing.
Sitting down with my chamomile tea, I'm going to reflect. (That's all I ever do, inside my brain.)
This year, I moved from New Zealand, to Los Angeles, to New York.

I was in a rut in Los Angeles. I was sitting on my awful green ikea couch for weeks at a time, not knowing what to do with myself. Goals had not been met and I was shut in my house believing that I was a failure.  I was thinking very existential thoughts. Days were bleeding into one another. Leading into weeks, then months.  If there had been someone to say to me, get up, youth is fleeting, that would have been great. But there wasn't and I don't want to think I regretted any of those months pining for something that I easily could have achieved myself. Regret is a waste of time. Things happen and I wouldn't change anything.

Being in a rut is hard. NO matter how old you are, we all get into them. I don't know about you, but when I don't believe in myself, it's bad. I essentially shut down. Writing was the only thing that I believed I was good at, and even that was becoming spoilt, so I did the one thing I could think of and went to New York. I am very lucky because a lot of people don't have that luxury.

New York was a HUGE shock to my system. I was seeing colours that I hadn't seen in months. The air was cleaner (weirdly enough). People move so fast, that I was forced to. I got a job, found friends my own age. Got a little bit of a reality check - whilst its important to achieve goals and hustle, it is still important to be a kid, before its too late.

The strange thing is that I'm the one who puts a lot of pressure on myself. I hate being stagnant. When I'm stagnant, I get lazy. I just sleep and stay inside, in the dark. I don't do much to actually live. It's a very dangerous thing. And I become full of dread. That I'm not doing enough to accomplish my goals, that I'm wasting my time.

If you think about it, what is wasting time? Sitting in bed on a sunday morning, watching your favourite tv show, and then strolling to your favourite cafe to write a journal entry? Is that wasting time? Going to sleep at 4am because you spent the night roaming NYC with your beautiful teen friends? Is that a waste of time? No. There is a difference between sitting in the dark, wishing things were different versus going out and living. Taking time for yourself, whilst getting hungry for your passions and career. It is all about learning about how to balance your time. Doing anything you can to achieve your goals is one thing, but you still have to enjoy yourself in the process. Life is hard enough, you shouldn't always have to be struggling. You deserve to enjoy life.

And I realised. Time is mine. I get to choose what I do with it. And I became rich. I'm a huge control freak so I did battle a little bit about letting myself just live. But the uncertainty of how my life would pan out floated away. I realised, I didn't need to know that. I needed to stop planning so much, because otherwise it got to the point that I didn't want to get out of bed because my day was so full, with nothing in particular.

And I'm still learning, but I'm starting to be a lot more selfish with my time. I don't say yes to doing things I don't want to do. If I don't want to be friends with someone toxic, I don't. This is all easier said than done, but something jolted me in New York. Everyone here is so blatant. So vocal about what they want. It was like the city was speaking to me, and handing me a pair of glasses, and telling me to get up off my ass and live. To be hungry for the things I wanted.

Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and say, this is my life. How I'm living won't be forever.
I don't know how the future will pan out. But I want to set myself up so that it will be as smooth as I can make it. So that I don't think I could have done more. I stopped punishing myself for being young and uncertain, and slowed down.

It was daunting. And I did it. And I grasped my life by its hind legs and said, stop running. Slow down. Look at how intricately the decorations on buildings are carved. Look at the leaves. Look at the families walking by. Breathe. Stop running around like a headless chicken.

Sit in the park for a little while longer.





Wednesday, 12 July 2017

YOURS TRULY, JULY

So, I have one HUGE  spotify playlist of 700 songs or so, and I always find myself listening to the bottom 40 songs until I add more. Each song in this playlist represents a moment in my life, this and last month. Do you know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time and a memory comes flooding back to you? Well it's like that for me, x47.

So here are my songs of July.


  1. Wild Thoughts - DJ Khalid ft. Rihanna
  2. Young Dumb & Broke - Khalid
  3. May I Have This Dance (Remix) ft. Chance the Rapper
  4. Hey Ma - Cam'Ron
  5. Sober II (Melodrama) - Lorde
  6. Another Sad Love Song - Khalid
  7. Feels - Calvin Harris
  8. God - Kendrick Lamar
  9. Blood Sweat & Tears - BTS
  10. God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
  11.  Late Night - Goldlink
  12. 5AM - Amber Run
  13. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead
  14. Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
  15. Close To You - Rihanna
  16. Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae
  17. Cranes in the Sky - Solange
  18. There She Goes - The La's
  19. 3AM - Charli XCX ft. MO
  20. Swang - Rae Sremmurd
  21. Praying - Kesha
  22. Slow Hands - Niall Horan
  23. Liability (Reprise) - Lorde
  24. Loving Someone - The 1975
  25. Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa - Vampire Weekend
  26. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
  27. Thunder - Imagine Dragons
  28. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
  29. Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
  30. I like Me Better - Lauv
  31. There She Go - Garren Sean
  32. The Morning - The Weeknd
  33. Re: Stacks - Bon Iver
  34. Burn - Usher
  35. Bloom - The Paper Kites
  36. Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
  37. Swimming Pools (Drank) - Kendrick Lamar
  38. Home - Michael Buble
  39. Father And Son - Yusuf / Cat Stevens
  40. King City - Majid Jordan
  41. Redemption - Drake
  42. Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) - Lady Gaga
  43. 715, Creeks - Bon Iver
  44. Perfect Places - Lorde
  45. Unforgettable - French Montana
  46. Sparks - Coldplay
  47. Malibu - Miley Cyrus
link - https://play.spotify.com/user/genresofindia/playlist/4z7Yg891EzbLHPjH12yUIQ?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open

yours,
Indy





Saturday, 8 July 2017

Moving to Los Angeles at 18

I never thought I could look back on my life and say that I moved out at 18. Freshly graduated and eager to pursue multiple passions, I packed up everything into one suitcase (kind of pulling an international Carrie Bradshaw) and moved to Los Angeles.  Fast forward five months, and here we are. I'm 19 in November, and in these five months, I've learnt more about myself than I ever thought I could.

This year has been interesting to say the least. From moving all the way across the world to an empty apartment, dealing with the death of someone I loved and learning how to be an adult, to Coachella, New York, and my secret projects; it has been a big year for me. I remember being at home and being this fumbling, expressing almost-woman who needed to let herself free.

The hardest part of moving to LA initially, was the crippling loneliness. I remember my first few months here and I didn't really know anyone. Aside from a few internet friends, a cousin or two and a photographer friend, I didn't have anyone. I used to sit on my balcony at night, and watch the blue hazy sky turn to black, and wished that people would care. For somebody to just reach out and ask to get lunch. To feel that sunshine of inclusion. When you're alone with your thoughts for weeks, you really start to learn about yourself. What you are really like when you are alone, the most scary thoughts you have, and most importantly who you are. Months on, meeting people became a natural thing. I met some of the best people in my life, with the exception of people I had collected back home.

I just remember my heart bleeding for New Zealand and the familiarity of it all. Something that stuck with me, was when my lovely friend said to immerse myself in the uncertainty of it all. In life, people carve out their own paths, and figure out a routine that works for them. After 13 years of schooling, and having to ask when to go to the bathroom, I was ready to figure out myself and my life.

There are certain things you don't even put into play when you move out. Coming home to an empty fridge was the weirdest thing for me. Learning how to separate colours when I was down to my last clean t-shirt. Realising that bills and rent don't pay themselves, and that you have to put down a deposit for EVERYTHING. Phone bills, the apartment, gas bills, blah blah blah. And that, if you're living in America - you NEED a social security number...

Los Angeles is a big place to be. I walk down Melrose on a Sunday morning to take a visit to the Trading Post and I see expression. In LA, people are not afraid. To say what they want, wear what they want, pursue what they want. People take things seriously that they don't seem to as much where I am from. This city is bustling with singers, actors, dancers, models and everything else in between. Letting my creative spirit have the chance to be here and pursue my dreams was the best thing that I could have done.

In high school, I thought that I had to have life figured out. That I needed to go to university straight away, get a good job and make a shit ton of money. But then I realised there is a fine line between what you want and what other people want. The long of the short, is that life is too short to do the shit that you don't want. Whether that be becoming a doctor because your parents want you to, or moving across the country for a boyfriend (please never do that when you are under 25) or never pursuing a dream because you are fucking scared. Luckily I had the support of my family who believe in me. And there is no bigger blessing. But, if you don't have that unconditional support, remember to ask yourself, is this what I want? Is this what I want to spend my life doing? Or am I doing something to make somebody else happy?

When I look back to the girl I was in December of last year, I don't even know if I could recognise myself. I was in a toxic relationship and I was constantly seeking the approval of everybody around me. I didn't love myself.

When I moved, I stopped half-arsing plans. If I didn't reaally want to hang with that annoying person I met at a house party, I didn't. I stopped settling for shit. I stopped making excuses for toxic people.
It is engrained in my brain that I only have this one life. It took me a long time to say NO. I still have that problem, because I am a natural people pleaser. That doesn't mean that I became selfish or unkind, but just learnt to better my surroundings.

I know, that there will be many more life lessons. I will fall down countless times, fail and repeat. But taking this step for myself really taught me to take my life by the shoulders and decide to live it. At 18, knowing that I pay my rent each month and all my own bills, is a good feeling in itself. And the most important lesson I learnt was to stop being so harsh on myself. That I am a human being with a good heart, an extremely messy room and a love of writing, singing and acting.

There is beauty in not knowing what is going to happen. That life happens anyway. Time doesn't stop if you are in pain. But you are always learning things about yourself. That you never know what is going to happen next. Isn't that phenominal?

Yours truly,
Young, Dumb & Broke
Indy.





Sunday, 28 August 2016

Outfit Of The Day

Fashion week is all about designers coming together to showcase their ability and clothing line for the upcoming season. For me, fashion week is an excuse to dress how I want and get away with it. I didn't get too many photos this year, but I got street style pics taken of me by the wonderful Holly Burgess and Sam Lee. 

What I am wearing:

Zambesi Ringside Jacket

A simple grey dress from ASOS I believe. You can literally get any basic grey/white/black dress and style it with a trendy trench coat!

Alexander McQueen handbag

Shoes from Liberty's - again any pair of high heeled boots will do to complete this look.

I also decided do my hair in three sectioned corn rows.












Saturday, 23 July 2016

Thoughts

I decided to put up something that wasn’t perfect. My random not so deep thoughts, typed out as I thought them. Sometimes ‘carefully thought out material and posts edited to the very core’ isn’t the new black.

I got a new laptop today. I’ve had the same old rickety one for about six years, and everyone in modern life will know that is like a KILLER PERFORMANCE (life span) for a computer. 

I kind of like having a blog that I can ramble to no one in particular. How great is it that in thirty years  - if we are still using the internet and not some weird hologram thing - I can look back at my 15/16/17 y/o thoughts? Powerful. 

I’ve been missing in action for a couple weeks. Not on youtube, but more so having a routine. I have been off school for three weeks. Bliss. But I haven’t really been holiday-ing too much. Long story.

It’s been hard to look at the news each day.. I have become scared at what I will read. Each day there is a life lost, for some reason I don’t even understand. I’m trying to be numb. Anyway.

I went to the flume concert last night. It was very weird being in a mosh pit. Flume gives you that kind of youthy, ecstatic feeling, like nothing matters except for tonight. Well it gives me that feeling. I don’t really know the point of this post, I just wanted to put something out there. Carrie (Bradshaw) got me thinking about relationships in some type of way. After being in a relationship with someone for a year at seventeen, it really changes you. This year I’m facing final exams, university????, decisions for career choices, and a lot of other normal teenage things and not so normal. 

I’ve been doing this thing each day (most days) where I don’t check my phone immediately when I wake up. I like it because it gives me a little bit of time to wake up from the hazy morning feeling without being thrown into deep sea real life. Checking all my emails, scrolling and typing is all I seem to be doing these days. That’s why I’m creating some me time.

That is one thing that will last. ^
I always sporadically take up these mantras in my life, habits that I think I will be consistent with. Diets, journal writing, meditation. But you can’t force yourself to be a type of way. But then again, that’s probably why my brain is so all over the place - judging by this post.

I mean I am on my phone a lot, a little too much for my liking and I feel like I miss out on a lot of things. Haha, thats where I get confused about the Pokemon go game. I mean it gets people outside and all that but then again, what are they doing - staring down at their phones? I can’t talk. I don’t play the game personally, but I’m on my phone a hell of a lot. Social media isn’t real life and it doesn’t really do much to further my life but I grew up in a generation with ever present technology that adapts and continues to advance before my very eyes. Therefore I’m not going to feel bad if I use it.

Three things I am excited about.
  1. Getting my first apartment and decorating it the way I want.
  2. Having a job I love.
  3. Going to Pompeii to see ancient ruins (because I am a classics nerd) and New York.

All things to look forward to, when I’m older and more composed. Or now. Who knows?


PS: Growing up is hard to do.

Monday, 13 June 2016

15 TV shows & movies to binge watch over winter


1. Sex and the City is a must. All 6 seasons. Cosmopolitans and four 30-something-girls looking for love together in New York, what more could you ask for?







2. Full House, for me was one of the best shows I ever watched growing up. When I say growing up, I mean from 15 - currently. And who can resist a lil bit of Uncle Jesse





DAMMN GIRL!


3. One of the funniest movies that I have seen lately is Neighbours 2: Sorority Rising. Filled to the brim with the best actors/actresses such as Chloe Moretz, Seth Rogen, Rose Byrne, Dave Franco AND Zac Efron.. yep enough said.





What was I just saying about Zac Efron?? I forgot, looking at this photo.



4. Pretty in Pink is the most beautiful 80's film to date. Apart from like 4 others... as I am kinda obsessed with 80's movies. Be prepared to see a little more in this list! But trust me they won't disappoint.



Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald are icons of 80's movies. In my opinion, two of the best young actors at this time.




                                                         This girl has killer fashion.


5. 90210 is what will keep you up all night, every night. Warning: do NOT start during exams.




6. Friends is OBVIOUSLY the best TV show of all time.





It's kind of like committing some heinous unspoken crime if you haven't watched Friends before.



7. Any Harry Potter movie. What is better than cuddling up on a weekend and binge watching as many HP wonders as you can? = my childhood. 




8. The Truman Show was a movie that really tripped me out. The concept is just some unheard of, it made me think so many times that in fact my life was that way. Hope not. I didn't know this but apparently you can visit the massive set/town of Seahaven!




9. I feel like Love Actually is a movie that is always necessary to watch. Last year I sat down with my family and my best friend on Christmas eve and we all watched this film. It was the first time we had seen the film together, but separately I had seen it enough to mouth most of the words. 





10. I don't know how this movie did in terms of ratings or the box office but I really loved this little joy! It featured Taylor Lautner and Lily Collins and it's such a classic teenage love story mixed with spies, assassins and action. Personal rating?? 7.5/10.

Movie: Abducted. Its available on Netflix!




11. This movie is one of the most visually appealing films I have ever seen. Starring the beautiful Brooke Shields in her prime, you will fall in love with it like I did. That's all I can say. You just gotta watch it. Keep in mind watch the original not the weirdo re-runs.

Just keep the fact that they are cousins OUT of your head, oh dear.





12. Zoolander 2 is hilarious. You gotta watch both to really get the cliche, silly humour but its really really wonderful. And I mean, I don't think anyone could match Blue Steel - no matter how hard they try.






13.  The Help made me feel a lot of emotions I didn't think I could feel with films. Anger, sadness, frustration. 20/10. 





14. The most addictive show that I have probably ever watched, is.... gossip girl. I never really understood how 15 year olds could go to bars and cause heinous problems and be driven around in limos, but I guess that's the Upper East Side for you?




This has to go on your bucket list to watch before you die.




15. AND OF COURSE MEAN GIRLS.



                                                                     Iconic.


YOU GO GLEN COCO! XOXOXO.

- and none for Gretchen Weiners.



Indy x